Wednesday, January 28, 2009


I hate my hair today.

My head hurts in my sinuses.

I have a tooth with a hole in it, and it is causing me a lot of pain as well.

I'm tired of having to pee.

YEAH! I'm complaining, what of it? Just kidding!

I feel fatter than ever but you know, it's alright. I am working on it the best I can. The best I know how. That's all I can do, at anything, is try my hardest. Lately I've been trying really hard at sitting on my butt and doing nothing. Today sleeping until 12:45 felt great! What did not feel great was constantly being woken up by my nephew. I attempted being nice, but we all know I'm not a morning person.

Point being, I fail, every day. I don't always stop to smell the roses. I think the grass really is greener on the other side. I'm never satisfied. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and experience grave disappointment at the person I have become in this world. However, I'm breathing. In and out. Deep and shallow. Somewhere in there I have to be thankful for something that simple. Some people have to walk around with oxygen tanks. I'm trying to look up! Reach in, reach out, reach up, you know?

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Christmas has arrived faster than I had originally wished. It pains me this year - I have no money to spend on loved ones, and I hate it. I'm pretty thrifty, though. Most years I have little cash, but manage to find the best deals to get pretty cool gifts for my family. Unfortunately, since this year is financially lacking, I find myself not looking forward to the empending (did I spell that right? spell check will tell me, I'm sure) holiday, as it were.

I do, however, look forward to yet another year of new beginnings. You see, this is what my pastor in Houston tagged 2008 as; however, while 2008 was a year of new beginnings for me, it also meant the ending of some cherished things in my life - a friendship, time in a place I loved, a profession I enjoyed immensely, and living on my own. I'm looking to the year ahead with immense curiosity. I can't help but wonder, will this year bring the same amount of joy that last year, with all it's challenges and heartaches, brought me? I know that when we abide in the Lord, our steps are ordered by Him. Unfortunately, here recently, I have not found myself abiding in God.

I need to confess to you here, dear friend, that sometimes when we are removed from constant accountability, we find that we are not as strong or as "good" as we would like to think. Maybe you are, but I find ... not so much. I am working on learning what integrity really is - and let me tell you, it's not an easy lesson to learn. It's a private battle that I want so badly to make public, but I do not believe that it's the time, nor the place. I know that when I come out on the other side, what a Victory it will be - and simply for His glory.

On another note, I am finding that "parenting" my nephew is not easy. My temper is strangely more controlled than I thought, but I disappoint myself often. I want so badly to show him just pure joy and love, a great time, a learning experience, and a safe place. I feel like a failure at all of these, but I am learning to lean not to my own understanding.

Also, the diet is not going swimmingly. My goal is to start the day after Christmas hardcore. My philosophy is that if I do as much, I will not set a resolution for the coming year, and therefore will not disappoint myself.

I should mention that this year's resolution is to meet my husband. HA! Pray, people, pray.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Talk about revelation! Today I am in Philippians 3, and I am blown away. It's amazing how, when you ask the Lord to reveal things to you, He is faithful to do so. I flipped to my concoordance and looked up "cross" and found a phrasing that said, "enemies of the cross". I am a firm believer that the entire word of God is a wellspring of revelation and knowledge, if only we ask for it and seek it out, but this particular scripture just leaped off the page and clicked with me.

The writer starts off by saying that he took no glory in being circumcised - he took no glory in anything that he had that by the world's standards would make him a "great guy". He also says that he had plenty. I equate it to the things that we think complete us: relationships, jobs, homes, cars, good looks, nice clothes. Paul took no pride or confidence in his heritage or his lineage, in anything, but only took confidence in the cross. He saw those things that the world may take as gain and counted them as loss because he knew that those things would bring him no progress, no future. In fact, he called them rubbish - TRASH. Kind of reminds me of the phrase "you can't take it with you".

I read on and see verse ten, where he says he thinks of these things in this manner because he wants to be "conformed to [Christ's] death". I'm boggled by that thought - there is so much humility and sorrow and love in the death of Christ, and Paul wants to be conformed to it? He counted himself a servant as Christ was. Keep reading and in verse 13 he says he does not "count [himself] as apprehended". In other words Paul was saying "I have not arrived". He didn't have it all together, and he probably did more work than Billy Graham spreading the Gospel. Paul had it together, spiritually, and he knew that there was so much more to what he was experiencing. He continued to reach up and out and forward toward whatever it was the God wanted to CONTINUE through him.

Keep reading and we get to the part about the enemies of the cross - he said their glory was in their shame, and their god is their belly - they set their mind on earthly things. It's my goal to not set my mind on those earthly things. I don't want to be an enemy of the cross. To be fully satisfied in the cross means to put off these earthly things, to not be satisfied in your belly, but rather in the lowering of ourselves -to clothe ourselves in the humility of the cross, because it was humiliating and beautiful all at the same time. We can't set our mind on what we wear, how we look to others, whether or not people like us, if we appear beautiful, if we own our own home, if we even have a home, but rather if God calls us to be homeless to minister to the homeless, we should be willing to carry that humility and service that is in the cross and do it. It's a hard word, a hard act, I know, and it is even hard to write it, but even as I write I know it's truth. Scripture tells us to humble ourselves in the sight of the Lord and He will lift us up. We can't look for the things of this world make us important, because it's temporary and fleeting.

I hope all of this make sense to somebody, I was just overwhelmed in the revelation of the Word today and had to get it out somehow. Love to everybody who may or may not read it.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Fully Satisfied in the Cross of Christ

"Fully satisfied in the Cross of Christ." I hear those words ringing in my ears this morning. A few weeks before I moved, I was in a service at church with the Banovs and as I walked through the "fire tunnel", Winnie Banov looked at me, put her hand on my head, and said, "Fully satisfied in the Cross of Christ". What a life changing moment for me. It has stuck, but I haven't applied it, if that makes sense.

You know, I walk through my life I think with blinders on my eyes. I believe that I can be fully satisfied in Christ, but I still want this, or this happens and I'm upset. That's not the same thing. The thing I respect about Winnie Banov is that she has such a revelation of the impact of the cross, and she lives her life accordingly. Very few of us really get it the way she does, and it's my prayer today, not just for me, but for everyone I know - that we will be truly, truly, truly FULLY satisfied in the cross of Christ -in it's sacrifice, in the love and provision that it represents.

It sounds so cheesy but sometimes my heart just EXPLODES with the love God has for me, and it is overwhelming. I wonder how I could not be fully satisfied in Him in those moments. I think that the test comes in the dark moments, when we give in to temptation, when we are tested, when things are presented to us that aren't always happy - it is in those moments that we must be reminded of that explosion of love in our hearts. Our full satisfaction is not in those things we give into, in our loved ones being well and whole, in our spouse or potential spouse, in our children, in our finances, and the list goes on and on. His love is extravagant, and it's enough. Oh to be fully satisfied in His cross... how amazing. Help us to get it, Lord.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Not my will....

Well, it's like it says, folks, it really is never my way, but it's alright. It's been a while since I have blogged, so this is my new year's gift to you, friend.

I think that if God had to brand my life lesson as anything, it would be "Not Jayme's Will, but MINE be done." I had a discussion with a friend over the past two days on e-mail regarding hearing the voice of God, and who is authorized to state that one has heard such voice. Furthermore, who has the authority to TEACH others to hear the voice of the Almighty? He decided no one, and I decided, well, that we don't teach people to hear God's voice. We teach them to stay grounded in the Word, and when people start going around proclaiming "Thus Saith The Lord", we have a place to go to determine if God is, in fact, speaking.

It's funny because we tend to curve the voice and will of God to our own intents and desires, and wow, how dangerous on so many levels. First, we fool ourselves. We allow our hearts to believe what we really want is what God wants, and when our innermost desires don't happen, we blame God, we get bitter and we walk away. There's a scripture in His big book somewhere that says if we delight ourselves in the Lord, He will give us the desires of our heart. I've always understood this to mean that God plants His most holy desires for our lives in our hearts, and when we walk and follow Him wholly, His perfect will unfolds and the receiving of these desires happens because they are HIS, not OURS. Brian Hunter used to always say to me, "It's not about you, it's not about me, it's about GOD." It's not a verbatim scripture verse, but I have never forgotten it, and I hold it close to my heart because it's truth! All over scripture Christ speaks of dying to self, selling goods and giving money to the poor, following Christ without shame, without worrying of social consequence. THIS is God's will for us, to follow him wholeheartedly. And if it is His will for you to live in a 3 bedroom, 2.5 bath home and love your children, your desire will be there, and you'll be fulfilled there; but if it's not, and you're to traipse your happy self over to Africa to feed starving babies, you'll never be happy until that desire in your life is fulfilled. It's about being broken, which never really happens until you throw yourself on The Rock (see Matthew 21:44), because if you don't you'll be ground into dust by it, and then brokenness is no longer the issue, destruction is.

I've learned so much about walking in God's path for me - it's so hard. Everyday I want to say "screw this" and go back home. It's hard to be here, away from my family, from a lot of my friends, and from what's comfortable, but it's God's will right now, and I know if I did go home, I would be miserable. Sometimes, though, being in the middle of what He has for us is painful as well, but it's a good pain. The satisfaction of knowing we're doing what we're supposed to be doing is indescribable, regardless of how we feel while we're doing it.

So what's the point, Jayme? I really don't know. God is teaching me SO much about being under His thumb, being obedient to His word, and knowing that walking in his will is partially about hearing His voice, listening to it, and acting on it. I wish I knew for sure what the next step is for my life, and if the things I want from life are really want God wants for me? It's scary. But I know that if I walk in the here and now, in the foot printed path God sets before me, it'll be okay. I just have to make sure I'm not curving His voice to fit my ears, but rather straining my ears to hear the noise inside heaven.